I was quiet as I sat staring at what I thought I loved. What I thought I could change. What I thought would be mine. But she's not mine. She could never be mine. She was in love with him. There was no denying that. I looked out the window smoking my cigarette, a bottle of wine in my hand. She never knew that I was in love with her. Maybe she could tell, maybe she couldn't. I had to let it be known at some point. But then again, I also had to let go of these feelings because I knew they would never be returned. If the feelings were to ever be returned, I wouldn't know how to show her I loved her. If I ever knew that she loved me back, I wouldn't know how to show her that I've loved her all along. It's best that I keep it to myself and let it all fade away.
Another night of sex with her could have made me happy. But it didn't. It filled one small void that needed to be filled every now and then, but then again it always went away after a while. I didn't know how to keep the void filled that well, but I did know to make sure the void was filled. That small hole in my heart that yearned for her, that yearned for her touch, her voice, her moans echoing in my ear. My heart yearned for that. I put my cigarette out in the ashtray and put the bottle of wine back in the refrigerator. As I walked back to bed, I studied her face. Her beautiful features and mystery that made me fall in love with her more and more. But I had to let those feelings fade away. I climbed back in bed beside her, pulled the covers over me and turned my back toward her. This would have to be the last night that I let her back in my heart, my life, my loft. I couldn't do this again. She groaned and put her arm around me. Maybe I could take that back. I'll let her stay for a while.
• • •
I woke up to find her in the bathroom washing her neck. It always was an awkward sight in the morning but by now I've gotten used to it. I lay back down to try to go back to sleep.
"Michael, do you know where my panties are?" She asked me as I began to wake up blocking the sun from my eyes. The sun had finally begun to start coming up; I should have known she would be leaving before it fully lit up the sky.
"Did you check in the bathroom?" I asked, propping myself up on my elbows. I watched as she scrambled around the room looking for that one pair of panties. It was pointless for her to be looking for them really. She always manages to lose her panties, buys some more and as soon as she comes back over here she ends up losing another pair.
"Of course, I checked in the bathroom, that's where I must have left them last."
"Did you check the floor?"
She rolled her eyes, "You're making it sound like I'm stupid. I'm not stupid, Michael. They're not on the fucking floor, okay? I checked."
I stood up and stretched, "can't say I didn't help."
"You're not helping at all and you're trying to make it sound like I'm stupid."
"You going to work?" I asked, giving her a cigarette.
"Stop. You know I need to quit smoking. It's messing up my skin. But no, I'm not going to work."
"Oh...," I bit my lip. "You're going to him, aren't you?"
"Yes. Is there a problem with that?"
"I mean, we did just have sex and you were just complaining about how-"
"Look, it's a brand new day. I can't dwell on the past. Where are those fucking panties?!" She bent down and looked under the bed. I made my way into the kitchen and pulled the gallon of orange juice out of the refrigerator. As I drank the last sip, I looked down on the floor to see her lace panties lying there. I threw the gallon away and picked the panties up off the floor. As I walked back over to my room, she was still on the floor searching.
"Come here." I said, eyeing her as she bent down, her ass in the air just teasing me.
"I can't right now. If I go back home with no panties, Drew will know I was with someone." She said without looking up at me.
"Come here." I said again. Her boyfriend didn't really happen to know about me. He knew she would come home to me when he did something to piss her off. But he didn't know what I looked like. Maybe he had an idea of what I smelled like since she always came home to him smelling like me. But we've never met. I on the other hand have seen him. He's just the kind of guy she needs and wants. But he hits her. That's what I don't like.
She stood up and walked over to me, "What?" I looked at the bruise on her arm and pulled her close to me. "Michael, I have no time for sex again." I ignored her comment, pushed her hair behind her ear and kissed the corner of her mouth. She always loved when I did that. I always knew at that moment, she was at my beck and call. She looked up at me without saying a word. With that, I took the panties from behind my back and slipped them into her hand. "Where were they?" She whispered.
"In the kitchen." I caressed her cheek.
"How did they get there?"
"We started out in the kitchen, baby." I whispered before kissing her lips.
She smiled a bit, "Right."
"You know I have to." She looked away. I sighed, looking out the window. "I'll see you soon though. Okay?" I didn't say anything, didn't even look at her. This happens every time. I think she knows I'm in love with her; she just likes playing with my mind. She pulled my head down and kissed me lightly on the lips. "Bye." At that she hurried out. Her shoes held tightly in her hand as she rushed out. This has to be the last time. I can't let this happen again.